Busted disgusted and in God I have not trusted

The other day at church my Pastors wife,lets call her m.a. said to me"Brother Teyed(I live in the south and thats what Ted sounds like here)why are you cussin so much on your blog".BUSTED

Then coincidentally My Pastor whom we'll call ,,,well, Pastor preached a sermon on how our communications really communicate what is in our hearts.I won't rewrite the whole sermon here but suffice it to say the longer he preached,the heavier the conviction was on my head,it was like a great weight on me,I wanted to run out the door but could not rise for the great weight of conviction.A material,physical heaviness settled over me and I could not move,finally I was released during the "Invitation"(Alter call for those of you who DID NOT attend a Baptist college) and ran directly to the bathroom to mop the sweat from my bald Jew head.

This is the second time Pastor has saved whatever tattered shredded fragment of a relationship I had left with God.

Of course God never, ever is out of relationship with me,obviously I stick my finger in God's eye and say"leave me alone I just want to indulge my sinful nature,stay up there on your cross and leave me alone!)

My Christian walk or spiritual life or whatever you want to call it has always, always been just that way. Obedient, disobedient, obedient, disobedient.It is truly very difficult to be inside this head of mine.

All I truly have to hold on to is,like Peter said,"To whom else can I go Lord" (obvious paraphrase)and I know that I belong to Jesus,period,but I also fear he will spit me out into the fire,Ahhh the duality of scripture.

People talk about Heaven in these great platitudes,The bejeweled (not beJewed)Four square city.Mansions, Streets of Gold, seeing Jesus and the saints,ancestors,getting all the answers to all the universes great dilemmas.For me ,it will be heaven in just not having to deal with the Sin nature and the guilt of messin up once more.

I am so thankful for the message the other day,Thankful to God and his vessel my wonderful Pastor and friend.