Fish Fish everywhere;but who wants to clean them?

I have been asking my friend J. to take me fishing for Seven years.

Every time I ask him ,he just laughs.I don't get it.Why does he laugh?What is it?too Fat?too Northern?Not serious enough?No dexterity?What?I don't get it.

So today he calls me about 5pm says "what are you doin?"I said "I'm sittin down".He says "You must do allot of that".I say "only when I'm sittin down"!!!

He says"You want some fish?"I say" of course"

So we agree to meet in the gravel parking lot near McDonalds.This is where all the drug deals are done in our little town.He says "Bring a couple of garbage bags."

J. is the best fisherman I ever met,He knows the Arkansas River like the back of his hand,J. never comes home without fish,,,Ever!

I so envy him,I fish allot and come home without fish all the time.

J. is a real man's man as they say a big strong tough dude!He's a contractor, wich means he can do anything Painter,Carpenter,Electrician,Dry wall,Mechanic,Body work,fisherman,Gardener,Hunter,on the school board at our church,and nobody I mean nobody can fry Catfish like my friend J.Absolutely perfect fried fish period.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAanyway,So I meat him in the drug deal parking lot,and he starts counting catfish,one bigger than the next,bigger and bigger and bigger 5lber,8lber,20lber,4lber,12lber,on and on and on all together27 count em thats TWENTY SEVEN catfish,I've gone Cat fishing countless times and nary a catfish to be caught never.

So J. says "Go head, you can have em all,I'm tired of cleaning em".

So I just finished cleaning and filleting 27 catfish.Oh and did I tell you just how good Arkansas river catfish are,Its a whole outer worldly experience,actual FLAVOR,theres nothing like it.Anytime you go to a restaurant,your eating farm raised frozen catfish fillets from China,don't let anybody lie to you,thats a fact,even in the south.

I am so thankful to know my friend J.I just wish he'd stop laughing every time I ask him to take me fishing.

Busted disgusted and in God I have not trusted

The other day at church my Pastors wife,lets call her m.a. said to me"Brother Teyed(I live in the south and thats what Ted sounds like here)why are you cussin so much on your blog".BUSTED

Then coincidentally My Pastor whom we'll call ,,,well, Pastor preached a sermon on how our communications really communicate what is in our hearts.I won't rewrite the whole sermon here but suffice it to say the longer he preached,the heavier the conviction was on my head,it was like a great weight on me,I wanted to run out the door but could not rise for the great weight of conviction.A material,physical heaviness settled over me and I could not move,finally I was released during the "Invitation"(Alter call for those of you who DID NOT attend a Baptist college) and ran directly to the bathroom to mop the sweat from my bald Jew head.

This is the second time Pastor has saved whatever tattered shredded fragment of a relationship I had left with God.

Of course God never, ever is out of relationship with me,obviously I stick my finger in God's eye and say"leave me alone I just want to indulge my sinful nature,stay up there on your cross and leave me alone!)

My Christian walk or spiritual life or whatever you want to call it has always, always been just that way. Obedient, disobedient, obedient, disobedient.It is truly very difficult to be inside this head of mine.

All I truly have to hold on to is,like Peter said,"To whom else can I go Lord" (obvious paraphrase)and I know that I belong to Jesus,period,but I also fear he will spit me out into the fire,Ahhh the duality of scripture.

People talk about Heaven in these great platitudes,The bejeweled (not beJewed)Four square city.Mansions, Streets of Gold, seeing Jesus and the saints,ancestors,getting all the answers to all the universes great dilemmas.For me ,it will be heaven in just not having to deal with the Sin nature and the guilt of messin up once more.

I am so thankful for the message the other day,Thankful to God and his vessel my wonderful Pastor and friend.

curry?

Back a life or so ago,I drove an airport shuttle;
I'd pick up people from different addresses,fill up the van and bring them to the airport,so they could fly to wherever the heck they were trying to escape to.I would always encourage the vacationers with little farewell quips like"Have a nice vacation,too bad you have to take yourself with you"or "When do you want me to pick you up?,that is if you survive the plane crash."or "Is this one your wife,or the girl you were with last time?
Everybody loved Ted.
Anyway one day I had to pick up 7 people at Kennedy,(That's JFK for those of you who went to Baptist college)
The first 5 are one group of really lovely little old frail ladies,sweet and telling about all the fun they had and how they were real tired and anxious to get home,All in nice light summer tourist clothing.
I took off and soon spotted my next ride waiting at the assigned area,2 rather disheveled Indian guys,How did I know they were Indian for those of you wanting to stab me with your inane"we are the world,don't prejudge on appearance,don't profile,maybe they were some sort of other Asian maybe they were just human beings."Here's how I could tell...Cause they looked like Indian!!!,is that alright that they are Indians and somebody can tell their Indians because they haven't lived in your insular elitist limousine liberal little world.You destroyer of every kindness and good human charity,by mandating everyone how to be with the rest of humanity!!!!
Once I was having a discussion with a hippie waitress of mine(proud boaster of armpit hair and all things braided Indian style (Feathers, not dots like the heroes of our story)about the terrible poverty in India and how really sad the situation there is,she of course started singing that old favorite,globalist ballad called Overpopulation,I chimed in boyishly as is my habit(Chiming in boyishly, that is)that I thought the reason they were in such abject poverty was a result of Hinduism(Need I repeat the stories of people living in the streets near starvation and feeding the foraging local rats there last morsel of food because the rat is worshipped only second to Elsie the Cow.
She called me a racist.Sad I hate Indians(dots not feathers)( Now can you respect all people but not respect all beliefs,I guess not in America.
AnywaaaaaaayI pull up to these to guys and from my vantage point(and buy vantage point I mean that I poses site)I can see that one of these two gentle man has had too much to drink on the plane,so I open the door and say to the not drunk one"Is your friend gonna be alright? because I cant abide and wont baby sit drunks)"oh yes yes' he says, 'he's fine, just had a little too much to drink, but he'll just sleep in the van"I said, "look I'm not supposed to take anyone who's obviously intoxicated in the van'.He says" please Sir we just want to go home, we're tired and he won't misbehave at all. He's been sleeping on the plane and he'll be fine"So I say to the drunk one"Can you understand me?"He says "Yes" so I said, 'Are you OK ?I mean I don't want to take you cause your drunk and I have these nice old white Ladies in the van, so I need to know that there wont be any trouble.He said "Sir"(Putting his hand up to his chest,"I promise ,you I will not speak, I will just go to sleep,I'm sorry"he was obviously a really sweet man that had, had a little too much alcohol and was already apologising for any bad behavior he obviously did not have in him to do.Satisfied with his answer I told them to step on the van and sit in the back in a very pleasant and inviting tone( If I do Say so myself).They get on the van, walked to the back,sat down, and the drunk one immediately starts projectile vomiting stinky curry and Jack Daniels all over the backs and heads of the little old white ladies,not to mention the interior of the van,me ,his friend, the dashboard ,the windows, the steering wheel,everything .This vomiting went on for a full five minutes
Horror at Kennedy(that's JFK for those of you who attended a baptist college)

Momma

My Mother has always been one of the coolest people I know,speaking of her ,not of amother but as a person ,this is a woman that has been around.During world war 2 she worked for the army,then the "League of nations"then the UN.
her father was a mechanic,she worked with him in his garage as a kid and knows everything about the internal combustion engineShe was flying planes when she was in her teens and that was in the 1930's,she has always read 3to 4 books a week,and gave me my love for cooking and experimenting with new cuisines,and ingrediants.
When she lived in Israel,already in her sixties,she would get up at three am get on her 3 wheeler,peddle 4 miles to the medditeranian sea,have her morning swim,pedal back,shower then get on the bus,and go to a full time job.
When I was a kid we lived directly on the beach,my mother would swim so far out,you could barely see this dot bobbing up and down on the waves,I would cry and scream for her to come back,I was so scared.
She always had vegetable,and amazing flower gardens,and she worked a full time job administering a Catholic childrens charity until she was 79 years old.
Now she is 85.Up until 6months ago,she was able to walk up to ten city blocks with her walker.Now she can only walk from chair to chair and can only get out when I take her in her wheel chair.
She somehow takes it mainly in stride,she is no longer capable of even making a cup of tea.
This is extremely hard for me to wach.
I have been taking care of my mother for the last three months and its hard to see this giant in my life my Momma the person who has been a constant source of support and love and sympathy,(c'mon,who loves you like your momma)
I really don't get it ,at the end of life all you have left is your memories,if your blessed enough to retain them and not wind up drooling and defecating on yourself in a nursing home.I just don't get it.Legacy shmegacy its very hard not to be cynical about the whole thing.

Fred is Dead

I would like to thank my good Friend Fred,who died Feb 6th at 4:10 am,for having a name that rhymes with Dead.
I would also like to thank him for the many years of friendship,laughs advise,and love.I would also like to thank him for being the father of my other friends Fred Jr.and his sister Michelle for being the father of my other friends,Kathy,and her husband, also named Fred
his grand children Haley and Bud who I consider my friends and my Son Aaron's friends there are other children and grandchildren Fred's wife Mary is also my friend as is his brother Duley my good friend.He had six other brothers and sisters whom I do not know well.
It was a Horrible beautiful time.The Horrible part is obvious,Cancer ,fear,hope,Chemotherapy,radiation,being told he was cancer free ,only to immediately get double pneumonia and die three days later covered with flaky skin,inside of his moth and tongue covered with yeast sores,pain morphine,the "Canker and the Worm"
The beautiful;
As Fred was dying in his bed,in his living room,was his whole family ,at least Seventy people Every one sharing memories,laughs.And of course Mary,Mary, only concerned with every one else."Brother Ted,get you somethin' to eat"every one had brought food.
I left at midnight and Fred Jr.called me at 4:20,which meant a lot to me ,cause Fred SR had died at 4:10 which I assume means he called me first out of all his Dad's friends.
I went back and waited for the Coroner.
The next day was the visitation at the funeral home,open casket(as a Jew I never saw that as a kid and never got used to it as a Christian.looked like a waxed Fred,a poor faxcimally.400 people came cold rainy snowy weather, and all.
The next day was the funeral,I've seen Br.Mike(my Pastor and friend)preach a lot of funerals and never heard his voice quiver until now.
A hard weekend,but not for Fred cause Fred is dead,,,,,,,,,and with his Jesus in Heaven.

My Son

I miss my Son!I know he follows my blog so I will try not to embarrass him or divulge any secrets.
I miss my Son.
As a single parent(no political correctness or pity seeking)when your kids leave,you have no one to share the experience with.
My boy was the cutest most tender,injured six year old you would ever meet.
I am afraid I will always see him in this way.
He is a man now,an Army man at that.I am proud beyond superlatives of his ability to survive.
I want to protect him,but it's not my job,and he is a man and can certainly take care of himself.Its hard to not hug him and squeeze him,its also incredibly hard not to grab his ass,something I did when he was a little boy that I thought was cute.I kept it up way too long."Parents,Don't exasperate your children"Says the apostle Paul.
I Often wish I could turn back time and be a way more intelligent parent,like J.C. or his wife,A..
Can't do that.
I love my handsome son.I miss him.

Butta baby,butta!!!!

Yesterday I heard from J.C.Not Jesus.
I have extreme love for him.
I am always thrilled,Thats right "little school girl thrilled" to hear from him.
I get such a kick from him.
Picture Balu the Bear(from Jungle book)with the sharpest wit on earth.
like so many people in the Salvation Army,,Had he chosen a life of self seeking,as apposed to selflessness,he would have been world famous as a comedian,musician,writer,director,actor,Broadway,Hollywood,the whole deal,but J.C. chose to help people realize the very best in themselves.Care for the poor and uplift the youth in his care.
He is,without exception,the funniest person I ever met.He is the only human,in person,on TV,or on the stage,that can make me laugh till I cry.I am a bitter person,so believe me ,it takes a lot to get me to giggle like a bitch.
God has given him the family that he deserves.
A. J.C.'s wife is the perfect human period,an anchor,a rock,The essential patient wife and mother.Kind,like wild flower Honey,sweet,like the perfect,cool morning air in the forest.I can't even begin to describe their three baby girls with out crying for missing them.
I,in no way deserve to be blessed to even have heard about them,let alone be called their friend

weather or not!!!

about a week ago we had to stay in a motel in town for 6days cause we had lost power water and heat at the house due to the severe cold.
Now a severe ice and snow storm is headed our way.
We will stay in a motel just in case.I'm afraid once again i have made a very bad decision in choosing a place to live.It's way too rural,wood heat the whole thing,so we will be looking for a place to live near my home church in Morrilton ar.
As a Christian,(or as Me) I find it incredibly difficult to find a church where I fit in.Actually lets face it ,I am so completely nuts,crazy,out of my mind,that I am suprised they let me live amoung regular people anywhere.
What I was trying to say is that I spent 3 years at Riverview Baptist Church in Morrilton AR.For some strange reason the people there tolerate me,even love me,even concider me family!I gues they must be crazier than me.
So I'm moving back and never leaving again ever,ever!!!!!

kickin

Ok halfway through kickin oxydontin.gettin there,gettin there.
So I am back home at my favorite coffee shop.For the internet,no internet at my house yet,still waitin on the dsl,thats the best I can so since I live seriously in the boonies.
Wood heat the whole deal.It is prbably one of the most beautiful areas I have ever lived ,and I have lived frikin everywhere.
I am also using a nicotine patch to kick tobbaco at this time,stress,stress,stress.Do you think I should diet at this time as well?
Sam my sweety sweetest Arab princess Queen of Bar b. Que called yesterday.
Any one who thinks Arabs and Jews don't get along,has learned this from watching too much TV.
Well you know what,let me not turn this into anything political except to say that one of the reasons Sam and I are so close is because we share a common culture in that we are both Semites(Thats middle eastern for those of you who attended a Baptist college.)
That is only ONE of the reasons.She is the most loyal friend a man could have.
The word beautiful isn't a descrptive enough word for her physical prsence,all golden brown,a red hot burning,coal jet black haired,funace of a curvacious glorious,flowing testamant to all things woman.
A starue of Justice,and everything correct and honorable.A fierce protective mother to her friends and employees.A boiling fury against lies and the people who tell them.Velvet soft,tender to love,a keeper of confidences.
Always giving,let the chips fall where they may,an open heart that gets bruised all too often.
I am so, blessed to know her.
I would walk 20 mile ,barefoot on shads of broken glass just to stand in her Poopy
No Lie

back to normal,,,Whats normal?

I am at the Coffee shop I go to while I'm doing laundry.They have free wifi,And I usually do all my Internet stuff here.

Anyway I got my mom back home yesterday,she is doing Okay,not great,she's weak and it doesn't help that I am trying to kick Oxycontin(this is a narcotic pain killer for those of you who attended a Baptist college)I have been taking this drug for about 8years on and off,mostly on.You see they give it to you for serious constant pain,I happen to have bulging discs in my back that push up against a nerve(that's why they call it a pinched nerve)When this thing acts up,,,all you know is pain,it is brutal,so you take Oxycontin,get addicted to it and keep taking it long,after the pain is gone,cause after 2 weeks you are physically addicted to this crap and trust me the withdrawals from this drug are a horrible nightmare,that can only be found in the very bowels of Hell itself,NO lie.

First,you feel as if their are Cockroaches,crawling Under your skin,lots of them,your stomach has giant worms on methamphetamine crawling around high speed in it .An electrified hoop,runs up and down the length of your whole body ,continually bathing you with about 40,000 volts

Nausea,dry heaves chills,and cold sweats.And stink,man do you stink and pee and pee and pee,hot burning,stinging pee,and what ever you do ,no matter what,DON'T FALL ASLEEP!!!!!!!!

Because the Violent, Gorey,vomit,and Diarea stenched filled Nightmares keep comin,and you can't wake up out of them,they just keep comin.Besides all that,it's not too bad.

So I'm about halfway through kicked,we'll see how it goes.

Oh yeah, also your crap is so hard it's near impossible to get it out.Imagine trying to shit out a perfectly rectangular rough granite brick with very sharp corners.

sickness

My mother and I came down to Morrilton(about a three hour drive to spend the weekend so I could visit My friend Br. Fred who has been battling cancer for about a year, He was told that he basically had it licked,he developed a fungus in his ear that literally ate out his ear drum,they decided to do a scan to see where the fungus had originated.Upon doing the scan they found cancer in his brain and the top of his spine,so he has been undergoing radiation treatments for this for the last week or so and it is kicking his butt.

Br. Fred is the very rare person who,always,always does the "Right thing"He's one of the very few people I know ,that lives up to the standards he sets for himself.He is a "Man in every sense of the word,He is a spiritual giant,he's the one you want to go to for advise,He's the patriarch of a large blended family.He is adored by his children and grandchildren,he is wise,sensitive generous and compassionate,he's also funny as all get up,,,,you can see several of his quotes on my facebook page.

he is completely honorable and honored by his peers.

I hate that he's suffering.

During church my mother complained about being cold and she was in allot of pain,from her osteoporosis(take your calcium,young woman)So I took her out to sit in the car as today was the first warm day with sunshine in like 14 trillion years.

After church my friends,Jerry Joanie and Lois(more on them in my next posting)went to Ortega's( a Mexican restaurant in Morrilton that will make you think that you were IN Mexico) the food is so good I should kill you!!!!After the meal I went up to the front counter to pay the bill,At that moment My friend Jerry came up behind me and said in a total panic,"Brother Ted,Brother Ted,your mom is shaking".I went back to the table to find my 85 year old mother out cold and not breathing,I could not find her pulse,Jonie and Lois were holding her head up and holding her mouth open(I don't know why,but they seemed to know what they were doing)

It took about four minutes before she started to become aware of her surroundings and asking "What happened,What happened several times.Jerry had phoned 911 and as the hospital was right around the corner they were there within like two minutes.I was really scared.Jerry and I went in my car and Joanie and Miss Lois took their car as we followed the ambulance to the Hospital emergency room.As we were driving there Jerry started crying.Jerry was crying for my mothers suffering,That's how he is ,nothing fake about it.Jerry's severely autistic twenty seven year old continually smiling sweet,sweet boy James died last year in the car while Jerry was driving,during their vacation,had a heart attack and died right there in his seat.Right there.I used to go with them every Saturday to take James out to the waffle house,it was a wondrous thing to watch James eat, pure undiluted uninterrupted rapturous joy,,,the boy loved his waffles and he loved his Daddy.James loved to smile.

After my mother had been given an injection to get her pulse rate up,she started to feel and look better.I was thankful and relieved.I was sure she had had a stroke.As it turns out,after all the tests,she needed a pace maker and so the Dr.ordered her to go down to Baptist hospital here in Little rock to do the procedure.Here I sit in the waiting room,writing about the day,It's eleven thirty at night.The Drs will put the pacemaker in tomorrow at four in the afternoon"Lord willing and the creek don't rise"

I Love My Mother.She has always, always been on my side.

When I was in first grade,I was completely out of my mind in love with a girl in my class,Rochelle Schnipper.(Hey it was a Jewish School)

I was sitting in the car crying, telling my mother how much I loved this girl and asked her what I should do.She told me we would go to the "Five and Dime"(general store)and that I should pick out a ring and bring it to school and give it to her.I remember it was a beautiful gold ring with a shiny clear pink stone and it cost Ten Cents.

I brought it to school and gave it to her in front of the whole class.

bla,bla,bla,bla,bla

It is only very recently that I have trained my mind to always,always be thankful for whatever our situation is.

As i said in my last post,last week we had to stay at a motel because we had lost electricity,water and heat at the house during that awful cold snap.

I was thankful that we had a warm place to go and had the money to pay for it.There were people all over this country who could not find shelter,or warmth or even food.Worst of all there was no love for them either.I mean isn't love proactive?When people are in need saying"Well I'll pray for you brother"just don't cut it.And now of course "Haiti"!!!

I heard that a few years ago the president of Haiti made a declaration to dedicate the country to Voodoo!

Some within Christian circles would say that this tragedy is God visiting his wrath upon this country.This may or may not be true.My belief is that stuff happens because that is the nature of our planet.

I remember hearing the same "holier than thou" crap in the early eighties during the Aids epidemic.

Last year I had the distinct pleasure of staying at a "bed and breakfast " in San Fransisco run by

One of the premier gay activists in California.I was looking for a cool place to stay as opposed to a personality vacant motel or some tourist mecca and found Castro Cozy Cottage in the mission district of San Fransisco.A true anachronism.(that means a throw back in time,for those of you who attended a Baptist college)A real hippie paradise.

In any event I stayed there three times last year and consider it an honor to call this old Gay activist my good friend.

In all cases,one night we were talking and he was recalling how he was working in a Aids hospice back then and he told me that within a very short period,Aids had taken the lives of 40,000 Gay people back then,he said that considering the six degrees of separation"I knew them all,I knew them all"

There are times when people say things that effect me in a life altering way.

Suddenly The "Aids epidemic"within the Gay community became personal with me.

Back in the early eighties people were saying that God was visiting his wrath upon the Homosexuals for BEING homosexual.I was always very judgemental about their ridiculous promiscuity.I was told by a Doctor back then that the average Gay man would have as many as 900 sexual encounters with virtual strangers over the course of a year.This of course became the focus of my opinion about Gays.

All of that may be true,,,but,40,000people died horrible painfully slow Deaths!!!!

That's like a Bomb going off,that is real devastation,and suffering.Does someones behavior exclude them from deserving human kindness?Hell No!!!!

As Christians we will often say,well if people would only follow Biblical precepts then they wouldn't be such shits.True and that goes for us first,our job is to advance the human condition and more specifically,Love them.Love is not some word we should just slap our gums about helter skelter Love is forgiveness and attending to peoples immediate needs,no matter how they got to where they are.

People I love

Today,I saw my good friend K.was online,so I Skyped her.I was thrilled to see he picture and hear her voice.

I met K. in 1998,no belay that,I met K's sister in 1998,I met K. in 1999.K. and S. are identicle twins.I had never met people like these two before.How can I describe them,imagine meeting two Shiny bright rainbows that have exponentially more colors than a regular rainbow and these bright shiny rainbows that are more than rainbows are so pure and sweet and kind that after you have seen them ,your life is significantly transformed because you suddenly realize that there is , purity, honesty,truth and child like natural wonderment in the world.

K. has married her long time on and off boy friend of the last 13 years.His name is Captain Awesome.

K. and Captain Awesome are perfect for each other.

Captain Awesome is Devastatingly handsome and sweet as sweet kosher wine,Passover wine.

Captain Awesome commands respect,he does not demand respect,he is a Captain in the marines,that in itself is impressive enough,just the physical and emotional demands are tremendous.Captain Awesome burns in his heart for the well being of young people.And has dedicated his life towards their betterment.

Captain Awesome is quiet,almost silent in his stoicism.This is because he is deeply thoughtful.

People may think he is not intelligent.The fact is you will rarely hear Captain Awesome speak unless he has something poignant to say,he does not just slap his gums hither dither to break uncomfortable silences.Captain Awesome is a true brave hero man.If my life were in danger I would hope the Captain is near by.

It is interesting that most of my friends are half my age.Knowing me,you would imagine that,that is the case because of how hip,smooth and cool I am.In this particular instance that is not the case.

In 1997 I became a single parent to two amazing kids whom as it happens are complete opposites,in any case when I became a single parent I had to completely switch gears as far as my work situation was concerned.I was determined not to farm my kids out to babysitters so as God always does,he provided the perfect answer for an impossible situation and gave me a job in a summer camp wherin most everyone is in their teens and early twenties,it is there where I met K.,her sister S. and Captain Awesome,when I was forty five years old and my new life began.

More on My camp friends on the way

So this is my first attempt at blogging.

About 5 days ago we lost power and heat at our house due to the severe cold here in Arkansas and my mother(whom lives with me,or I with her)have been staying in the fabulous motel 8 in lovely downtown Harrison Arkansas.It has actually been great kinda like a mini vacation,not like I needa vacation cause I don't do anything anyway.

Interestingly,my mother and I have been managing not to get on each others nerves,living in one room.

I think it's because people have to make an special effort to get along knowing they will be basically living on top of each other.

It's very strange living with someone,the kids left about 2 years ago and it has been really lonesome.I have basically been traveling around the country,chasing my own Ass,not knowing what to do with myself,I was gonna spend the rest of my life traveling arond alone like a ghost that nobody sees.

It's interesting,how someones hard times for someone else can become a saving grace for two people.

What I mean to say is that my mother had come to the point where she could no longer get out or cook by herself and was not getting the care she needed in NY.

After speaking to my Daughter (I had to feel her out to see if she was comfortable with me living close buy,due to my controlling,pushy,ways)we decided to get a place in Akansas where my mother and I could see Yaffah and my Grandbaby,Tarron as often as possible.

So thats how that happened.The good thing is ,taking care of my mother gives me far more than it does her.PURPOSE!!! Since my kids left,I have been without purpose.

Don't get me wrong,it aint easy living with your Momma ,but it's all good except that I would much rather hang out and be high